Tony Abbott Has Priorities, They're Just Not Yours

Our darling Supreme Leader Tony Abbott has seen fit this week to re-instate the Knighthoods and Dame-hoods(?) The motion was not legislated, it was not mentioned to the Liberal Caucus, some minister's of Tony Abbott's cabinet weren't even aware of the motion until they were being questioned about it by journalists and all this prompted me to wonder, what does Tony Abbott's checklist look like? Does he use Evernote, or maybe a mind-map situation? I'm extremely curious. I'm imagining a white cloud up where his brain should be with a toy monkey crashing cymbals together. Just me?

I didn't particularly feel a pressing need to restore this archaic, medieval relic of class distinction, but apparently this issue has been playing on our foremost minister's mind so he gave the Queen a call and set it up. Without consulting anyone else. Secure in the knowledge that, of course, everyone would be on board with this. I have a slight problem with this; the decision was made without any consultation or vote, kind of subverting, you know, democracy and whatnot. But that's fine, if everyone agrees with you, which they don't. Why not have a bit more class distinction every now and then? Remind yourself that you're better than the plebs.

I just don't see the necessity. First of all, we already had the Order of Australia, which was, up until the other day, the highest order in the land. Bestowed on "Australian citizens and other persons for achievement or for meritorious service". It's a little bit shit to turn around and say, 'Hey buddy, I know you worked hard for than and shit, but now we have knighthoods and stuff so get fucked.' Do they get a free upgrade? You should really grandfather them in, that's just good marketing.

Speaking of grandfathers, aren't we all a bit old for this shit? Why do we feel the need to discriminate achievements based on gender? I don't want to be that writer from Jezebel that criticizes someone for not being feminist enough, but I kind of figured we were past the ''boys get blue and girls get pink'' mentality. Lets give these bitches some Tonka trucks and watch them go to town. If guys can be knights, then women can too. Or something.

I'm not going to go as far as my lefty companions on Facebook and start making Game of Thrones jokes about 'knights' and whatnot - but isn't this all a bit ridiculous? We're Australians and we don't need British approval. We're a nation of former convicts, why do the older generation have such an inexplicable affinity for a country that turfed them out in the first place? It looks needy guys - Brittan changed her relationship status to ''single'' over 200 years ago now and you're still clinging to ''it's complicated'' - move the fuck on already. It's sad.

I don't know if this is the media's fault in focusing on petty points of fact in order to keep up with the demand of the 24hour news cycle, or it really is a case of legislative snow-blindness but I really do think there's something awry with Abbott's legislative agenda. I always read in the articles about this that the Liberal party are fulfilling an election promise. Really? All the election promises I heard were "Stop the Boats" "End the Carbon-Tax" and "Kevin Rudd's a ninny." Perhaps people might have voted more overwhelmingly for them if they knew that they actually had other policies. Actually, scratch that, probably not.

Jorge Tsipos is one third of the hilarious weekly podcast Unnatural Selection. You can follow him @JorgeTsipos on twitter. If that's your thing. Or not. Or whatever.