Dear 'The Past'

Hey Guys,

It's Jorge from the future and I just want to give you guys a big thank you. I know you're wondering right now, is Australia, and dare I say it, the world, going in the right direction? Well, you'd be right to be concerned. Syria, Ukraine, Sovereign Debt and a total lack of faith in the systems and institutions and have kept us white people safe for so long are crumbling around you. The planet is clearly warming despite three scientists ever saying anything to the contrary and it's all your fault and there's nothing you can do to stop it, right?

Well, I'm here to let you know it all pans out fine. People stop killing, raping and robbing each other, spontaneously. Vladimir Putin pulls his head in and becomes a decent bloke and actually becomes a huge philanthropist - donating all his ill-gotten millions to the poor and hungry. He retires from the presidency and hands Crimea back to the Ukraine, content to live out his winter years on the bright fields of Sochi. Democracy flares up and actually works, everywhere. And it's good democracy, where only good, mature  views are represented, not that shitty American kind, where everyone disagrees.

Tony Abbott changes his mind and goes into unprecedented debt and funds green energy options. A solar panel the size of Texas is built in the South Australian desert and all of Australia's energy requirements are free and covered for the next 100 years. 

All the religious leaders of the world kill themselves, beginning a huge wave of secular humanism. People come to their senses and realise that there's nothing wrong with being gay, bi, trans, queer or any other thing they choose to self-identify as. AIDS and cancer is cured and people have a world-wide sensual love in to celebrate.

Thankfully all the billionaires realised they couldn't spend all their money in a hundred lifetimes and decided to spread the wealth amongst the people - and continued to do so until every man, woman and child was housed, fed, watered and had a Playstation 4. It really was a brilliant time. You managed to stop just in time to save every single species of animal and let the world recover from the several hundred years of raping and pillaging that we've done. 

I'm so glad that you guys came to this realisation, and all it took was doing the same stupid shit over and over and over before you got a different result. Congrats guys. Everyone here with his personal dolphin-butler/sexual companion says hi and thanks you.

Regards,

Future Jorge 

 

Follow Present Jorge on twitter @JorgeTsipos and listen to his weekly comedy podcast Unnatural Selection, in order figure out how to save the world, one dick joke at a time.