This morning local reports surfaced of an area woman who solved death in all its forms. Lynda B Johansson spoke to reporters detailing her discovery. “Let me be clear, I have no medical training whatsoever, none. I mean literally anyone who has picked up a textbook of any description is already leagues ahead of me, but I believe I've done what no other person is history has done. I've solved death.”
Astonished reporters flocked to her bay-side home where she’s mother to five children, none of whom have been immunized. “I just didn't see the point,” clarified Johansson, “Especially since I've solved death and all.” When pressed by reporters for more details Johansson said “I'm not entirely certain how it happened, I just read a lot of articles on the internet that weren't peer-reviewed or scientific in any way and I just came up with it. It seemed so obvious that I was surprised that hundreds of years of rigorous scientific inquiry hadn't considered the possibility before. It really was just little old me on Yahoo Answers that cracked the code. Incredible.”
Scientists, in typical bummer fashion, have declared Johansson’s discovery “A farcical, hilarious over-simplification of the body’s processes and so detached from reality and any established medical knowledge that it truly beggars belief that news organisations are even treating it with anything more than contempt.”
“It’s truly astounding, in the worst possible way.” They all said, in unison.
When this rebuttal was put to Mrs. Johansson she simply replied, “I know, it really is incredible, and to think that before this I’d never set foot in any sort of medical research facility or had even a rudimentary understanding of how the human body works. I'm as surprised as anyone.”
When asked what she would do with this incredible knowledge that could alter the course of human history, Johansson replied “Probably just post it for free on numerous internet forums under several different account names, that’s how all reliable science is communicated to experts nowadays.”
Mrs. Johansson’s husband could not be reached for comment.
This article was written, on purpose, by Jorge Tsipos. Find him on Twitter and Instagram @JorgeTsipos and listen to his weekly podcast Unnatural Selection for a thing that is totally unlike this thing.