This morning in a shock announcement Malcolm Turnbull, the Federal Communications Minister confirmed that he would just be skipping this whole data retention thing and just start getting ASIO agents to tail all Australian citizens.
“I just thought rather than wasting more taxpayer funds on convincing the public of our definitely not nefarious intentions with cute and cuddly animations, as is normally the case, we’d just follow our policy to its logical conclusions and directly surveil every one of our citizens. Save the slippery slope bullshit and just cut to the chase.”
Bill Shorten, the viciously charismatic Federal Leader of the Opposition issued a statement in response to Turnbull’s announcement reminding all Australian citizens of voting age that not only did he acquiesce to literally almost all of the Coalition's demands in relation to data retention - he actually championed it as a win for national security - reminding Australians “Essentially it’s the eternal choice between a douche and a shit sandwich."
This latest move also circumvents the recent amendments to the controversial data-retention bill that would carve out some exemptions for journalists. “Well, basically if we’ve got your phones tapped all the time and have you constantly followed it’ll take us slightly less time to figure out who your sources are than by utilising your metadata.” Turnbull laughed, maniacally.
We at Unnatural Selection reached out to the ‘Freedom is as a Slowly Dying Taper in the Overwhelming Darkness Institute’ for comment. Their founder Jumbeliah Feathermouth was all too happy to speak to us regarding this matter. “I just don’t think that following every single citizen of Australia is necessarily in the national interest,” he mused.
“I certainly don’t see how it would be cost effective to have at least one federal agent for each real person in Australia. And storing all that information safely for warrantless access by any government agency would be very difficult. I’m just not convinced that it’s a great idea. Perhaps we need to consult with former Stazi agents as to how best to go about that.” He wept.
It is Unnatural Selection’s opinion that perhaps there should be some level of oversight for this program. I mean, any at all would be nice. Warrants, or at least some indication that a crime has been committed or at the very least that access be restricted to a particular government department with specific, qualified people. But it appears we’re in the minority.
In any case, the government has also announced that they’ll be introducing a subsidy for SUV’s and large ‘people movers’ in order for families to transport their ASIO agents with them for maximum convenience. The subsidy, in keeping with Liberal party ethics, is only available for those that can afford to do without it.