This week local man John Stevensonson penned a marginally opinionated, pseudo-intellectual think-piece on the film American Sniper, which has been nominated for several Academy Awards. Stevensonson, 54, takes a tiny amount of joy publishing the occasional articles and movie reviews to his own internet blog as well as submitting, and every now and then, deriving some limited pride from when his articles feature on local content-mills like Buzzfeed and Sploid. He rarely gets paid for these endeavours, but simply enjoys the act of writing and feels as though these clearly marginal achievements are enough to buffer the inevitable melancholic that comes with confronting one's own mortality.
This week was like any other for Stevensonson, except for the fact that he made the rather obvious assertion that perhaps American Sniper was a bit on the nose for his liking. In between shifts of his dead-end paper factory administration job he wrote "It appears as though it was intended as an anti-war film, but neglected some of the subtlety and directorial finesse of Hurt Locker, Deer Hunter or others films in this genre."
The response was instantaneous,John Stevensonson was inundated at his mind-numbing job with messages of hate and vitriol about his commentary about this blockbuster, star-studded, Oscar-nominated war film. Comments ranging from the classic "You suck," to "You hate our veterans," to your average, run of the mill death-threats left Stevensonson extremely confused.
It was then he realised, he did in fact, suck.
"It just occurred to me at that point that I am fucking idiot!" He exclaimed, breathless from his Archemedies-in-the-bathtub-esque revelation. "I do in fact hate our troops and I am a turd, I had no idea. If it weren't for those abusive internet comments I would've been left in the dark. I'm really quite grateful."
In response, Stevensonson will be walking a mile in a sniper's shoes, fucking himself and then dying, according to the advice of his internet compatriots. "It really is a revelation for me," John explained, tearing up. "I can't imagine what'd I'd be doing otherwise. Just living my life and not hurting anyone with my optionally-viewable opinions. It's unthinkable."